It’s not love. I don’t know how many times I have to convince myself that it’s not love. What I felt for you was not yet love. I have to believe that it was only a combination of infatuation, excitement, happiness, and favoritism. But it’s not love.
It would have been almost a year. We would have been running in circles for almost a year if I did not decide to finally end everything last week.
I’ve been trying to convince myself that it was going to work despite all of the visible red flags. I let my emotions take over. I let myself become too gracious and forgiving and accepting. I took you back and embraced all of you – together with your flaws, imperfections, and shortcomings. I embraced everything about you.
I was totally eager to make things work but fate had its way of pulling me away from what would have caused me more damage and scars.
I hated myself for being so gracious and forgiving. I hated myself for taking you back over and over and over again.
But you failed me each time.
You showed me and made me realize over and over again that taking you back was always a mistake.
You were so unfair to me.
None of my investments and sacrifices were reciprocated. I did not expect you to, but I at least anticipated some appreciation and gratitude, but you gave none.
For almost a year, I was no one to you but a person who was always willing to be taken for granted. It was as if I was raising both of my hands all those times to voluntarily wipe your tears and loneliness away, only to be completely ignored when all has become well again for you.
You came to me only for convenience, only for company, only for the good times. You only wanted the idea of having someone who would always be there for you – understanding, supporting, and comforting you when the need arises – but you were never willing to be that person for me.
You never wanted to be with me.
You never wanted to settle with me.
You never wanted this.
Now, I need to hate you, because that’s the only way for me to love myself again.
I need to hate you, because that’s the only way for me to forget all of the emotional scars and wounds you’ve caused me.
I need to hate you, because that’s the only way for me to convince myself that what I felt for you was not love.
I want to take the first step into healing.
I want to take my happiness and joy back.
I want to redeem my worth that I’ve lost along the way.
I want to remember how beautiful life is when I put myself first – when the person I am giving the most grace, forgiveness, and understanding is myself.