The Very Words I Will Never Have The Strength To Tell You

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I know things haven’t been good to us lately. I am not even sure if you will take time to read this, but hey, please hear me out. Because these are the very words I will never have the strength to tell you.

 

Honestly, I haven’t been doing good lately. I have been thinking about how it all came so fast, and how it all ended too soon. I cannot forget the feeling of agitation the first moment we talked, and oh how I would trade everything to go back to how we started — to how we used to be. It was just a short matter of time, but it was all I needed to tell my self that I found happiness in every moment we talked.

 

I felt every tinge of excitement every time your name would pop out on my screen. Everything did not seem to matter anymore. I just wanted our conversation to not end.

 

I would lie if I tell you that I did not see my self with you in the future. I wouldn’t be honest in any way if I tell you that it was that easy to let you go. Because you have already became my hope. You gave me hope that someone is willing to bear with all my unsteadiness and insecurities.

 

It was not easy turning my back to the only one who gave me hope.

 

You were my home. You listened when no one did. You tried to understand even the most complicated parts of me. I found a safe haven in you. You helped me calm my raging seas of thoughts and emotions. You were willing to stay when nobody else wanted to.

 

And now it’s all gone. We’re all gone.

 

And I cannot blame anyone else but me.

 

I pushed you away because I was consumed by fear. I was too afraid to drag you into my mess, because I feel like everything about me is out of place, and I don’t want to share my burdens with you, because if only I can, I would also carry yours if it means seeing you chase after your dreams in your happiest state. I want to be there for you just as how you used to be there for me every time I am bombarded by my thoughts. You coped up with my uneasy nights, and words cannot tangibly express how grateful I am to you for trying to make me feel that I am not alone.

 

Since the day we bid goodbye, I haven’t stopped looking and reading back our messages, and remembering how it all made me feel, I have no regrets because even for just a short matter of time, I did not feel alone.

 

The wistful reality now is that it’s all gone. And it is because of me. I feel terrible because I feel like I owe you a huge apology, but what distresses me is that I cannot distinguish what I am achingly sorry for. I am sorry for all the troubles. I am sorry if you ever felt pushed away or disdained. I am sorry if you had to bear with my mess. I am not sure if you will ever forgive me, because to be honest, I cannot even forgive my self.

 

But I know we’ll soon come to good terms. All I can do now is look at you from afar, and look back to our old nothings. I want to see you become the man you have always wanted to be. I want to see you succeed in chasing after your dreams, and I am sure you will. I want to see you set your feet upon different places you have always wanted to be. I want to see you be happy, genuinely, without pretensions. I want you to see your self for who you really are — an excellent, kind-hearted, wise, humble person that you are.

 

You deserve all the best things in life because you do not get tired of persevering even in the most tiring days of your life.

 

And to make it more clear, I will still hope.

 

I will still hope that we will find each other again one day when we are both where we have always wanted to be and we are already who we want to be.  I will hear your stories and rants again. I will be excited to wake up again because I know your message awaits. It will take a lot of years, but I know we’ll get there. Maybe then, I am a little less messy, and I won’t be eaten up by my fear, and just let you be dragged into the great mess that I am, only if you already want to by then.

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A Truth I Will Never Speak Of

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If only I have a heart as strong as other people’s, I wouldn’t have pushed a lot of love away.

 

I’ve lost count on how many times I have rejected people from completely getting into my life. I cannot deny the truth that it is because I am too afraid to give them the opportunity to break me again, the same way I was left and broken by people in the past.

 

But it is not only because I am afraid; but it is also because I am ashamed.

 

I am ashamed to be a burden to people. To be honest, one of the reasons why I do not want to become part of people’s lives is because I do not want to be a burden to them. I do not want them to deal with my constant mood swings and unending dramas. I do not want them to feel worthless because they cannot do anything to make me feel better every time I self-pity.

 

I feel weak. I feel like nobody can ever handle me and stand with me through my longest and most painful crying nights with unexplained reasons.

 

And I hate my self for that, because as much as I want to be with certain people, I just can’t, because I am afraid to be an extra baggage to them. I don’t want to share my sadness to them, so I keep it all to my self.

 

Everyday, instead of telling these things, I choose to drown my self into an endless pit of sadness. Instead to seeking for company, I choose to embrace the reality that no one is ever willing to deal with my unstable situation. And instead to finding a safe haven from the presence of a person, I choose to let my self be consumed by the overwhelming thoughts that keep me awake until the next day.

 

I do not wonder that much anymore. I just accepted the fact that everyday, I am dying a slow and painful death. And do not try to save me. Because no one can. And , sadly, no one has even ever tried.

Life Has Never Been Really Good To Me

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Life has never been really good to me. No matter in what perspective I try to look at it, I just cannot see how life has been treating me well.

 

Looking back to how and who I used to be, I realized a lot of things have happened and changed. I am constantly being changed, I know, but sometimes I admit I do not like what and who I see every time I look at the mirror. Perhaps, there are moments when I do not already know who I am looking at.

 

Nineteen years have passed, and as cliché as it may sound, it was indeed a roller-coaster ride. I experienced settling and being thrown down into the rock bottom where I learned to look up and depend on the only tinge of hope that things shall soon fall into their place. I have been into moments when I felt alone and confused, and honestly, I did not know for sure if I would be able to reach this far in life, because several times did I think about ending it right there.

 

But I made it! I am here, writing about how beautiful my life has become since I placed my complete dependence and hope in my Love, only because I am His love too!

 

I will never forget how it felt to secretly cry every night, helplessly trying to hold in my sobs and tears because of the fear of having anyone find out about my suppressed agony. During those times, I would stare at the person in the mirror and blame her for all the failures and disappointments that she has caused in my life. As I looked at her, I saw her scars – the invisible scars which could only be seen through her eyes full of tears and hurt. And I saw that she was alone, probably lonelier than I was tangibly feeling that time. I pitied her and told myself I would never pull her again even more than how she has already hit rock bottom – which caused her wounded knees.

 

Within those nineteen years, I have known people whose lives made an impact in mine. I have also seen lives being changed and oh how wonderful the feeling is to know that I am a part of that change. I learned to appreciate the beauty of life and compassion. I learned how to love people and guard their emotions, and I have seen the wonders of empathy and how putting it first makes an impact in one’s life.

 

Life has never been really good to me, because it is God who has always been the only good thing in my life. And I do not expect life to be good to me because it is supposed to be full of trials, sufferings and testing. But I want to be good to my life. I want to learn how to love it and take good care of it, honoring its Creator in every possible way.

 

“I want to impact more lives”, I say to myself. I want to bring change to wherever I will set my feet upon. I want to witness more wonders that shall bring me to my knees, worshiping as a response because of running out of words in awe of all the things that are created before me. I want to see more of creation’s beauty and see myself in tears because the One who set it all in place is also the One who sets everything in my life in place. I want to sing more of the overwhelming love that I have been submerged into my whole life. I want to sing until I cannot anymore. I want to worship for as long as I can.

 

Even if it takes nineteen years and more, I want to worship and praise every single moment, not because life is good to me, but because the One who created it is.

Promise and Waiting

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When waiting, it means we have an expectation, and we anticipate a wonderful end, but this end was based on a promise we received.

 

The promise we receive is both a seed and a harvest. When we first get a promise, it is actually in seed form, and then we must wait a while before we can see that seed turn into a harvest, hence the reason for the waiting process. 

 

Our waiting is based on an expectation of the seed turning into a harvest.

 

A mother expects a baby after she gets the news that she is pregnant, and she then gets excited. She eats carefully, she thinks about the color of the baby’s room, and though her tummy is still flat, she now has a hope and expectation for the end result. When a woman gets engaged, her ring is the seed that the harvest of marriage is coming, and she starts with great anticipation to prepare the way in advance for the happy ever after with the right guy. When a man is granted his first business loan, it is the seed he will one day reap a harvest of owning a multi-million dollar corporation. So you see, everything we are waiting on began with a seed.

 

In life, sometimes we lose track of the promise, and when we do, our waiting process becomes hard, long, laborious, and frustrating. We blame God for the delay, and we even become rebellious towards God and the people we do life with.

 

The bible tells us that there is seed time and there is harvest time, and this suggests that between the seed and the harvest, there is a thing called “TIME”.

 

Maybe you are in this place where you are losing faith, growing weary, and frustrated and you feel like running ahead of God, but I want to encourage you to hold on, go back to the promise God gave you in seed form and envision the harvest.

 

What does it look like? What were your desires, dreams, and vision when God gave you the seed?

 

Take a few moments today meditating on the seed God gave you and see hope rise again. God is good in His promises, and He will never fail you even though it may be taking longer than you expected.

 

Many people give up halfway; they turn their backs on their dreams and vision because they became hopeless.

 

Hope helps us carry on when life gets rough; to hope means to have a joyful, confident expectation of good and the only way we can maintain hope is by holding on to the promises of God.

 

The main reason people take their lives is because they were convinced all hope was gone and the enemy loves to keep people hopeless.

 

Our God is a God of hope, so please go back to your promise and be revived again!

 

Hope is called the anchor of the soul (Hebrews 6:19) because it gives stability to the Christian life. But hope is not simple a ‘wish’ (I wish that such-and-such would take place); rather, it is that which latches onto the certainty of the promises of the future that God has made.     – R. C. Sproul

Why 2018 Was Not My Year

 

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Many times have I called to God, ranting about the things I never wanted to go through. 2018 went as though it was a year that was specially made to let me see the bigger picture of my life and its purpose.

 

2018 was not my year. It was full of undesirable things and events I never want to encounter again. It was full of pain and hurting. It was full of tears and regrets.

 

It was the year when I was sent into a completely strange place where God was the only One I knew. I felt like I was sent somewhere I was not supposed to be. God made me do things I was really not good at, and thankfully, He graciously led me back to where I was supposed to be.

 

2018 was made up of moments where I tried to run from the reality of answering to different responsibilities and opportunities. I was full of fears and doubts then. It was not my year because I became too afraid to stand up and courageously speak my heart out.

 

It was the year that made me realize how temporary our earthly relationships can be. I saw how emotionally draining it is to let your heart get broken too many times, well, not basically my heart, but I saw other people’s pain as well, and it did not feel good looking at other people’s eyes only to see how they can barely hide the agony that was trying to peek from the inside.

 

2018 was not my year because it gave me a lot of lessons I had to learn the hard way, and by that, it cost me great pain and hurt before I came to the clarity of the path I am supposed to take.

 

There are many stories I do not have all the time to tell about. As much as I want to look back on all the highs and lows, God has been telling me, as I bid my farewell to the year, to raise my head up and look at the upcoming year with an expectant heart.

 

2018 was not my year because it was God’s year.

 

It was His year of drawing me closer to His presence to let me experience the assurance of an abundant life lived with Him.

 

It was His year of lavishing me with the clarity of His direction for my life, and I could not be any more grateful knowing that He has made everything work together for my good. I have received the confidence of saying YES to His call and taking courageous steps of faith towards the great future He has specially made for me.

 

It was His year of revealing how vast His graciousness can be. The endless testing of faith and hope led me to the comfort of knowing that no matter how many times I fail and commit mistakes when it comes to my decisions in life, He has already placed a lifeline ahead of me which leads back to another opportunity of abiding in His word and promises.

 

2018 was God’s another year of proving His faithfulness in my life, and it showed how wonderful His grace for everyone is. I could not be any more grateful for all the new friendships I made, new memories to look back to, and new established convictions that shall keep me together as I present my self to another year of battling in victory with God.

On Waiting

It is hard to trust and hold on to something you cannot see and be sure of. Waiting for something uncertain to happen feels like walking in the dark with your eyes covered.

I have never been more sure when I say that there will always be things in life we can never be sure of. Maybe our confidence is what gives us the right amount of push we need to keep on dreaming that another day will spring up tomorrow, but I came to think of it — it is not confidence we really need, but security.

Where is your security?

Most of the time, we may not be able to realise that we are already being consumed by the things we value the most — more than the ones God is calling us to prioritise at this certain season in our lives. We often confuse the things God is commanding us to do with the things we want to do. Sometimes it is out of fear that we refuse to step out and be sent into where we are supposed to be, but most of the time it is because our security is placed on the wrong things.

One reason why we are afraid and too impatient to go through a season of waiting is because we are afraid to be left behind. We often chase after being on track with other people’s timeline and forget about the truth that God has thoroughly planned when things are supposed to happen in every person’s course of life.

Another reason is because we desire to get right into the result. We want to be the person God plans us to be, without realising that the process is just as important as the outcome.

We look at our waiting season as if it is made only to make us patient, but in reality, it is what will truly mold us to be the person God intends us to be. The people we meet along the way will teach us different lessons we never expect to gain. The undesirable events we encounter will open our eyes to see how important it is to appreciate the value of the things we have and the One who gave them to us. And most importantly, our season of waiting gives us a clearer vision on how worthy the thing we are waiting for is.

As we wait, we will be able to better appreciate the value of the thing or person we are waiting for, because when the season of waiting is finally over, by the moment we look back on how challenging and long the waiting part has been, we will surrender into worship realising that God has been gracious to get us through that long journey and lovingly rewards us with an answered prayer.

And as we wait, let us not only sit down and grumble on how long the season is taking. Wait and pray, and listen to God’s voice on what He intends us to do while waiting. Enjoy the process. More than looking forward to finally claiming what we are praying for, it is even more fulfilling when we know that we showed ourselves faithful along our season of waiting.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬

The Heart To Worship

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How often do we worship God? Now I want you to recall the last time you worshiped at the top of your lungs, crying, and begging God to let you experience Him.

 

More often than not, we only see ourselves worshiping along with the loud band and flickering spotlights. I can never blame you for looking forward to an excellent worship experience with complete technical setups and sound system.

 

But is this really the worship God desires to receive from us?

 

I am forever grateful for the opportunity that God has graciously blessed me with to lead people into worship every week. We would rehearse for at least two hours to carefully plan on how the praise and worship would flow for 20 minutes in the techscript.

 

And I entered a season in my life when I started questioning my self, AM I WORSHIPING GOD THE SAME AS WHEN I AM UP ON STAGE AND WHEN I AM ON MY SEAT IN THE CONGREGATION AND WHEN I AM ALONE?

 

We often misunderstand that worship only happens every Sunday. But the truth is, God desires us to worship even in the simplest things that we do.

 

There are a lot of ways we can worship God; in the morning when we thank Him with a grateful heart for waking us up to another day; in the evening when we look back on how favored our day had been; on our way to work or school when we listen to worship songs with our earphones on; when we look at the vast skies to realise how worthy the Creator of all of it is for our praise.

 

Our ability to worship is not limited to three-minute songs. What do you love doing? Because you can bring worship to God by painting the wonders of nature He has created. You can worship by writing about His goodness and faithfulness for other people to be inspired. You can vlog about how great life is when lived with God. You can bring worship to God when you serve your family and friends.

 

The truth is God is not after thousands of voices singing for Him altogether, but He is after every individual’s heart that cries out of the desire to experience and honor and glorify Him.

 

You cannot sing? It does not matter to God.

 

Worship Him with all that you are; with all that you have; because that is all He is after — your heart; not your voice; not the full band; not the heart-felt lyrics. He is after the unheard cry of your heart together with all the prayers you cannot put into words.

An Open Letter (2)

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I don’t want to remember you as someone who hurt me.

I don’t want to remember you as someone who could not return the love I have always been selflessly giving.

I don’t want to remember you as someone who left without farewell.

I don’t want to remember you as someone I did not end up with.

 

I want to remember you as one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I want to remember you as someone who made me feel a love that is genuine and real.

I want to remember you as someone who taught me how to love God more than anything and anyone.

I want to remember you as someone who always believed that everything is possible.

 

I was being honest when I told you that you were one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. My heart rejoiced when it felt the love for you. You helped me realise a lot of things I did not believe in before. It was beautiful how you taught me to believe that real love can also be found in a person, not just in God alone. You showed me what true faith is. I will never forget the feeling I had when I was witnessing you chasing after your dreams and everything God desires for you. It was fulfilling. It was pure joy.

 

I never wanted to see us in this situation – apart and pursuing different roads. But it is still beautiful how I can still feel the love even from a distance. I can still see you resting in the peace God gives. It is still comforting to know how faithful you still are in every season that we are apart. I can still rejoice, knowing that all this time that we are not together is a season of us continuing to abide in obedience to God while constantly depending on His grace to make us grow individually while waiting to get to the road that will lead us to where we are destined to be.

 

I do not regret leaving you – if it means walking on the path towards the will of God.

I do not regret losing you – if it means we will be able to meet again soon, in the right season.

I do not regret listening to God before my heart – if it means going through life with the confidence that He orchestrates everything to work together for our good.

These Walls I Built

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I never really admitted that I was hurting. I never really told myself that I am in pain. I have always been telling myself that I am strong, and I can get through anything. I used to hide behind the context that God is always with me so I do not have any reason to be weak. I always show the world about my strengths and the things I have gone through because of God’s grace, until I started asking myself, “When was the last time you honestly admitted that you are hurting? When was the last time you straightforwardly told yourself that you are in pain?”

 

            I spiritually grew with the motivation to not go back to my hopeless wounded self, and so I tried to do everything to prevent myself from getting hurt, especially by people, to the extent that I have already built up such a wall that is almost impossible to tear down.

 

I built walls because I was afraid.

 

            Having experienced all the rejections and betrayals in the past that left scars in my innermost self, I figured it would be better to carefully handpick few people I will allow to go through my walls. I became really careful until even those people who must have had good intentions were refrained from fully entering my life. I got too afraid that I started isolating myself from everyone because I thought it was better to have no one at all than take the risk of letting anyone into my life and end up being broken by them over and over again.

 

I was too afraid to give anyone the opportunity to break down the walls I have been building for the longest time.

 

            It is embarrassing to fully admit that these walls are mostly made up of fears. Together with all the rejections and invalidations, the walls stood so high and strong that people can easily misinterpret it into hatred.

 

            I have not hated anyone but my self.

 

            I hated myself for not being strong enough when I badly needed her to stand for her convictions. I hated myself for not seeing her worth, and for letting other people break into her heart and life. I blamed myself for always being so weak and afraid to say “no”.

 

And I especially hate her for not having the courage to tell anyone about her quiet cries every night.

 

            These are the reasons for these walls. I have always been afraid that people would be scared to care for and love me because of the weaknesses and unspoken hurts behind these walls. I am afraid to show them to people because of the fear of being invalidated and rejected.

 

And so I put on the façade of being strong and now I do not know how to be weak in front of people and not get judged.

 

Behind these walls is my fragile and weak self that waits for every morning to get strength and enough will to face each day.

Behind these walls is the truth that the only One who sees and knows all my pain is God, who endlessly loves and cares for me no matter how lowly I think of myself.

Behind these walls is a tinge of hope that day-by-day, as I continue to surrender myself into sanctification, I will learn how to fully get out of these walls and boldly face all the fears and insecurities that await.

 

I acknowledge that I am still carrying bits of hurt and pain from the past, but God says that this is the first step to complete healing.

 

For when I am weak, He is then strong in me.

Obedience Over Sacrifice

Many times have I asked God, “Why am I here?”, in places I never imagined my self to be. I would often question if He has mistakenly led me there, and maybe He got confused of all the people He has been leading to different places.

Many times have I looked up, holding the tears of regret and resentment, because I was completely uncomfortable in where I am.

We have all experienced moments in our lives as if we were accidentally placed somewhere we know we do not deserve to be.

But the truth is that we do not deserve anything, in the first place.

Having been redeemed from eternal death, receiving unconditional grace and unending love, and even in being provided for everyday — we do not deserve anything at all; yet He makes us experience His goodness and grace in every moment of our lives, despite our disobedience and rebellion.

Another thing I have learned these past months when I have not had the time to write, is that we are never accidentally led to wherever we are.

No matter what your passion is, or where you have always wanted to be, or how carefully you have already planned your future, if God has called you to go to somewhere He is planning to bless you (or even use you to bless people), it is always and will always be the best thing for you, and even for the people around you.

It may not be completely comfortable at first, but know that God desires you to leave your comfort zone and increase your faith by stepping into the unknown — places you did not expect to go to, people whom you are not familiar with, things you have not done before, and you will see how great God’s grace is to sustain you and bless you with resources you did not imagine to have.

God knows you have such a great potential in you, because He was the One who planted it there.

You will never know to what extent your self can go if you will not answer God’s call for you to go.

We sometimes question His ways and plans and forget that our obedience is always greater than our sacrifices. [Psalm 40:6]

Sold-out obedience to God is a display of our faith in Him that no matter what the outcome may be, knowing that He was the One who said GO, things will work together for our good.

God delights in our obedience, and He is much honoured and pleased when He sees us completely trusting in His plans for us more than our own plans for our selves.

Our total dependence and reliance on His ability more than on ours is a display of the intimacy and level of our relationship with and faith in Him.

So GO even if you are afraid.

GO even if you are in doubt.

GO even if it seems too hard for you.

GO even if the result is still unseen and incomprehensible.

GO even if you do not want to.

GO because He says so.