No one knew those nights that seemed to be unending when she lied facing the wall for no one to see her bloodshot eyes full of sorrows.
No one heard the rants and shouts of agony that did not find their way out of her mind and heart.
No one dared to look at her eyes to see the deep well of despair where she fell unconsciously.
She had days that were so carefree that things must be floating everywhere around her, but guilt always came along with those “happy days” because she always felt like she was indebted to the world of all the happiness she experienced and she had to pay them back with the following days of heaviness and downfalls.
She did not know how, why, and where it came from. She did not even open the door for it. It just went in and stayed with her for a couple of days, pinning her down without any hint of ways to escape.
Not sure with what would have caused it, but she remembered the things that happened even long time ago, and the words of discouragement and curses that kept on coming back to scratch the seemingly healing scars inside out. Maybe they were the reasons, she thought.
Not getting to find the exact reason why, all she knew was it always prevented her from continuing to do the things she used to love. It fastened her to the lie that she could never keep it away from her. No escape. Never-ending.
She thought about the end. As badly as she wanted to brush it away, she could not think of anything but to end everything that could possibly hold it still.
She could feel the tiredness inside her, but she knew she could not do anything for it to go away. It was just there, keeping her away from every person who tried to give her a hand and some words of possible hope.
It took her days, if not, months, before she could grasp a fibre of hope to get out of drowning. She saw people who still wanted to see her tomorrow and the days to follow. She fought with all her might, even with all her weapons down.
She fought because she remembered that Someone fought for her too, and He’s still fighting for and with her now.
She remembered that Someone knew those nights that seemed to be unending when she lied facing the wall for no one to see her bloodshot eyes full of sorrows, because He’s the One wiping them.
She remembered that Someone heard the rants and shouts of agony that did not find their way out of her mind and heart, because He’s the One holding it.
She remembered that Someone dared to look at her eyes to see the deep well of despair where she fell unconsciously, and caught her in His arms of comfort and love.
She might not get rid the thing that keeps on pinning her down for more than two years now, but she will never forget to remember that Someone is always willing to remind her of a perfect love that casts out fear.
She has Someone who laid down His crown, surrendered His throne, conquered the grave and found her.
She has Someone who can let her get out of scarce serotonin and dopamine, the same way He lets her move mountains.
She has Someone who renews her hope everyday that she can and she will get through it.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
She now knows that she’s an overcomer because she is with the One who has overcome the world and everything.
She thought about ending everything but now all she thinks about is ending the days of despair and hopelessness, and fight a good fight of faith with the hope that comes from the One who fights her battles with her.