Everyone has always been afraid of endings. Maybe we all know why. We are afraid of saying goodbye to the things we got used to. We are afraid to change, and to adjust. And of course, we are afraid to let go.
I am afraid to let go.
I have always been afraid to let go. Especially if it is you who I am supposed to let go. I have always been afraid to let go of the “relationship” that we had. Maybe one reason is because I am also afraid to see you being held by another person. We had so many plans. I have already placed you in the beautiful frame of my future. I always prayed to God that I wanted it to be you who I would share my life with.
But there were also doubts. There have always been doubts. As much as I was afraid to let you go, at the same time, I was also afraid to hold on. I was afraid to get hurt and be disappointed.
What if we’re not really meant for each other?
What if you fall in love with someone but me?
What if we’re not on the same page of the book?
What if I’m the only one hoping for us?
I kept on asking and insisting God that He would tell us right-away if we are not really meant for each other. I asked Him to let me know the answer soon enough before my emotions destroy me and my relationship with God again. I asked Him to collect all my fears and destroy them as soon as possible.
I sought God. And I was convinced that I was wrong. I was wrong to be afraid, because my security must be in Him alone. I was wrong to be seeking Him because He has always been here all along, whispering to me how much He loves me. I was wrong to place my security in the “relationship” that we had, because only God knows when is the right season for everything.
I know this would be painful. I know this would take a lot of courage. I know this would leave a scar to both of us, but I am just excited to see us grow deeper in our faith and relationship with God, to whom our hearts and emotions must be rooted.
If ever you find your self falling in love with another person, I promise I won’t mind. I promise I won’t intervene, but I will always be here, as your friend, as your campus leader, as your sister, constantly praying that you would secure your heart for that woman who God will draw you to in the future. I hope you will keep your heart and emotions pure. I hope you will always remember everything that we talked long ago about standards and guarding our hearts.
If your future love will not be me, I promise it will be just fine. Just please promise to God that you will never settle to any woman who is below my reproach (hahaha!).
I realized that my prayers were wrong all this time. I was wrong to tell God to let us meet again in the future and find love in each other. I was wrong to own you in my prayers.
Now I am praying that God would help us develop our selves even more. I pray that God would reveal to us what He desires us to do in His ministry. I pray that He would let us grow in our faith and become that person that He wants us to be. I pray that He would make you discover that things that you have been seeking in your self: your purpose, your leadership, your calling, and your spiritual gifts. I pray that God would prepare you to be that man whose faith and security is firmly established in His word. I know that you can make all my prayers be evident from glory to glory.
Soon enough, you will be so attached to the things that God asks you to do that you no longer have time to worry. You will be so drawn to His word that you will never settle for any woman who cannot lead, disciple, and love God as better as you do. You will be a man of standards. You will never invest for any woman who cannot love Jesus more than her self and her passions.
Always choose Jesus. Just like what I did. I chose Him, more than you, more than us. It may be hard and painful, but soon enough, we’ll both see and enjoy God’s reward in exchange of our faithfulness and obedience.