I don’t want to date you just yet because I love you too much to grab this time that God has given you to become the person you are meant to be.
“Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. | Isaiah 43:4”
I know there are days that you’ll look at another girl and compare yourself to her. She’s more fair. She’s prettier. She’s smarter. And you look at yourself and feel a little bit less and tell yourself why can’t you be like her.
While you looked at the mirror, you find yourself looking at those parts that you wish aren’t yours. You look at media and all you see are perfect bodies, faces, and skin. Thin women. As if flaws don’t exist and the exception is you.
But as I write this letter, I want to ask you, when will the comparison stop?
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“sleep peacefully because your Father in Heaven knows what you’re going through and He promises that He will not let all the waiting go in vain. Do it for Him. Do it for you”.
It’s alright to feel that way. It’s alright to feel sad and lonely tonight. I know you’re also dreaming of having that someone who will make you smile just because he loves you. It’s hard isn’t it? To be on this road, waiting on God’s timing and not just settling for anything less. I do feel that sometimes you feel that you need to let it all out so you’ll be noticed. I know you miss the cheezy feelings. I know you want it now. I know you also want someone that will comfort you and will embrace you when you feel down or discouraged or uneasy.
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“I want to remind the both of us that we are not rushing things unlike before in our previous relationships. I hope you’re listening to God openly and patiently”.
” For now let me just prepare this love. Let me prepare for you because when you finally found me, those three words will mean so much more than its significance because it waited. And it waited for you”.
I can’t say I love you, yet I don’t know you. I don’t know your favorite food or your favorite TV show. I don’t know what makes you happy or what makes you sad. I haven’t figured out what best dessert to give when you’re feeling blue. I don’t know your hobbies or your interests or even how you act with friends or family. I don’t know how to encourage you and I don’t know the best way to express my love to you.
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“because only in feeling and recognizing the pain that you can let it go”.
We all have gone through something dark, something hard, something that broke us on the inside and we all pray for healing. And we want it to happen fast. But healing is a process and sometimes throughout the process, you’ll still feel that there are some parts of you which are sad, broken, and crashed. And you think why you are not healed yet.
Please, don’t see that as a setback. It’s all part of the process.
There are good days and there are bad days. There’ll be moments where your pain will be triggered by situations and circumstances and you’ll feel sad. Memories will start pouring in making your heart and mind remember the things you should have accepted and forgiven already.
But, “Just because you get sad doesn’t mean you aren’t healing.”Leena Sanders
Your pain is not your enemy. Your pain comes to tell you…
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Everyone has always been afraid of endings. Maybe we all know why. We are afraid of saying goodbye to the things we got used to. We are afraid to change, and to adjust. And of course, we are afraid to let go.
I am afraid to let go.
I have always been afraid to let go. Especially if it is you who I am supposed to let go. I have always been afraid to let go of the “relationship” that we had. Maybe one reason is because I am also afraid to see you being held by another person. We had so many plans. I have already placed you in the beautiful frame of my future. I always prayed to God that I wanted it to be you who I would share my life with.
But there were also doubts. There have always been doubts. As much as I was afraid to let you go, at the same time, I was also afraid to hold on. I was afraid to get hurt and be disappointed.
What if we’re not really meant for each other?
What if you fall in love with someone but me?
What if we’re not on the same page of the book?
What if I’m the only one hoping for us?
I kept on asking and insisting God that He would tell us right-away if we are not really meant for each other. I asked Him to let me know the answer soon enough before my emotions destroy me and my relationship with God again. I asked Him to collect all my fears and destroy them as soon as possible.
I sought God. And I was convinced that I was wrong. I was wrong to be afraid, because my security must be in Him alone. I was wrong to be seeking Him because He has always been here all along, whispering to me how much He loves me. I was wrong to place my security in the “relationship” that we had, because only God knows when is the right season for everything.
I know this would be painful. I know this would take a lot of courage. I know this would leave a scar to both of us, but I am just excited to see us grow deeper in our faith and relationship with God, to whom our hearts and emotions must be rooted.
If ever you find your self falling in love with another person, I promise I won’t mind. I promise I won’t intervene, but I will always be here, as your friend, as your campus leader, as your sister, constantly praying that you would secure your heart for that woman who God will draw you to in the future. I hope you will keep your heart and emotions pure. I hope you will always remember everything that we talked long ago about standards and guarding our hearts.
If your future love will not be me, I promise it will be just fine. Just please promise to God that you will never settle to any woman who is below my reproach (hahaha!).
I realized that my prayers were wrong all this time. I was wrong to tell God to let us meet again in the future and find love in each other. I was wrong to own you in my prayers.
Now I am praying that God would help us develop our selves even more. I pray that God would reveal to us what He desires us to do in His ministry. I pray that He would let us grow in our faith and become that person that He wants us to be. I pray that He would make you discover that things that you have been seeking in your self: your purpose, your leadership, your calling, and your spiritual gifts. I pray that God would prepare you to be that man whose faith and security is firmly established in His word. I know that you can make all my prayers be evident from glory to glory.
Soon enough, you will be so attached to the things that God asks you to do that you no longer have time to worry. You will be so drawn to His word that you will never settle for any woman who cannot lead, disciple, and love God as better as you do. You will be a man of standards. You will never invest for any woman who cannot love Jesus more than her self and her passions.
Always choose Jesus. Just like what I did. I chose Him, more than you, more than us. It may be hard and painful, but soon enough, we’ll both see and enjoy God’s reward in exchange of our faithfulness and obedience.
Pagod na yata ako
Pagod na yata ako sa pagpapaalala sa’yo
Hindi mo na ba natatandaan?
Iyo na ba talagang nakalimutan?
Ang mga oras at lahat nating pinagsamahan
Noong mayroon pang ikaw at ako
Noong sabik ka pa sa pag-uwi upang mahawakan
ang iyong telepono
“Baka hinihintay na ako ni Nicola”, siguro’y sabi mo
Noong panahong palagi pa tayong magkausap
Hindi tayo nauubusan ng kuwento
Hindi na alintana kahit abutin pa ng alas kuwatro
Pero ngayo’y nasaan na ba?
Kung paano tayo mag-usap at magkuwentuhan noon…
Nagagawa mo na ba sa iba?
Ang paghingi mo ng paumanhin
Kahit ilang oras ka lang hindi makipag-usap sa’kin
Mahal, sabihin mo
Sa iba mo na ba sinasabi ang mga salitang noo’y
sinasabi mo lang tanging sa akin?
Mahal, ibang pangalan na ba ang unang pumapasok
sa isip mo kapag may nagtatanong sayo kung
sino ang mahal mo?
Mahal, hindi na ba ako?
Hindi na ba ako ang una mong naaalalang
kuwentuhan ng mga nangyari sa’yo
Hindi na ba ako ang niloloko sa’yo ng
mga kaibigan mo dahil maging sila mismo’y
alam na ang gusto mo’y
hindi na ako?
Mahal, hindi na ba talaga ako?
Hinihintay pa din kita
Hinihintay pa din kita pero hindi na ang pagsasabi
mo ng “mahal kita”
Dahil, mahal, handa na akong marinig
ang sasabihin mong, “mayroon na akong iba”
The past days were not good. They felt like years spent in a corner of a cave where I was completely helpless and in danger. Could you tell me how would I be able to prepare my self for a battle when I did not even know where to get my armor?
I did not really know where I was. I felt the coldness of everything I touch. I was always afraid. And the darkest part was I did not even know why. I was always frightened by everything that happens to me. I was always scared. I was scared to be left behind. I was scared to run. I was scared to move. I was afraid. I was afraid to try. I was afraid to speak. I was afraid to fight.
Then the battle started.
I stood there; completely frozen and unaware what was really happening. The strangers around me seemed to pierce their eyes straight to my soul as if they were seeking something inside of me to kill the person hiding beneath my poker facáde.
I looked at the people sitting in front of me. They were critically waiting for me to do something wrong. And so I opened my mouth, and then the words started to come out. One-by-one. Just as how I managed to perform within the weeks that passed.
I was talking. The words were continuously flowing. But I was completely lost. I was completely unaware what they really mean.
That seemed to be longest 3 minutes of my life. I stood there, with words effortlessly coming out of my mouth, but in reality, I was just waiting for that moment to come to its end.
And it did.
Once again, I looked at them in the eyes. As if bidding them goodbye and promising that I will never see them again.
I went back to where I was supposed to be sitting. That was when I knew that I failed. I expected it anyway. Recently, I have not been expecting anything but failure. I sat there. And waited. I waited for that time when they would ask me to come out and face the reality again. To wait. And wait until my end.