The Very Words I Will Never Have The Strength To Tell You

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I know things haven’t been good to us lately. I am not even sure if you will take time to read this, but hey, please hear me out. Because these are the very words I will never have the strength to tell you.

 

Honestly, I haven’t been doing good lately. I have been thinking about how it all came so fast, and how it all ended too soon. I cannot forget the feeling of agitation the first moment we talked, and oh how I would trade everything to go back to how we started — to how we used to be. It was just a short matter of time, but it was all I needed to tell my self that I found happiness in every moment we talked.

 

I felt every tinge of excitement every time your name would pop out on my screen. Everything did not seem to matter anymore. I just wanted our conversation to not end.

 

I would lie if I tell you that I did not see my self with you in the future. I wouldn’t be honest in any way if I tell you that it was that easy to let you go. Because you have already became my hope. You gave me hope that someone is willing to bear with all my unsteadiness and insecurities.

 

It was not easy turning my back to the only one who gave me hope.

 

You were my home. You listened when no one did. You tried to understand even the most complicated parts of me. I found a safe haven in you. You helped me calm my raging seas of thoughts and emotions. You were willing to stay when nobody else wanted to.

 

And now it’s all gone. We’re all gone.

 

And I cannot blame anyone else but me.

 

I pushed you away because I was consumed by fear. I was too afraid to drag you into my mess, because I feel like everything about me is out of place, and I don’t want to share my burdens with you, because if only I can, I would also carry yours if it means seeing you chase after your dreams in your happiest state. I want to be there for you just as how you used to be there for me every time I am bombarded by my thoughts. You coped up with my uneasy nights, and words cannot tangibly express how grateful I am to you for trying to make me feel that I am not alone.

 

Since the day we bid goodbye, I haven’t stopped looking and reading back our messages, and remembering how it all made me feel, I have no regrets because even for just a short matter of time, I did not feel alone.

 

The wistful reality now is that it’s all gone. And it is because of me. I feel terrible because I feel like I owe you a huge apology, but what distresses me is that I cannot distinguish what I am achingly sorry for. I am sorry for all the troubles. I am sorry if you ever felt pushed away or disdained. I am sorry if you had to bear with my mess. I am not sure if you will ever forgive me, because to be honest, I cannot even forgive my self.

 

But I know we’ll soon come to good terms. All I can do now is look at you from afar, and look back to our old nothings. I want to see you become the man you have always wanted to be. I want to see you succeed in chasing after your dreams, and I am sure you will. I want to see you set your feet upon different places you have always wanted to be. I want to see you be happy, genuinely, without pretensions. I want you to see your self for who you really are — an excellent, kind-hearted, wise, humble person that you are.

 

You deserve all the best things in life because you do not get tired of persevering even in the most tiring days of your life.

 

And to make it more clear, I will still hope.

 

I will still hope that we will find each other again one day when we are both where we have always wanted to be and we are already who we want to be.  I will hear your stories and rants again. I will be excited to wake up again because I know your message awaits. It will take a lot of years, but I know we’ll get there. Maybe then, I am a little less messy, and I won’t be eaten up by my fear, and just let you be dragged into the great mess that I am, only if you already want to by then.

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