If only I have a heart as strong as other people’s, I wouldn’t have pushed a lot of love away.
I’ve lost count on how many times I have rejected people from completely getting into my life. I cannot deny the truth that it is because I am too afraid to give them the opportunity to break me again, the same way I was left and broken by people in the past.
But it is not only because I am afraid; but it is also because I am ashamed.
I am ashamed to be a burden to people. To be honest, one of the reasons why I do not want to become part of people’s lives is because I do not want to be a burden to them. I do not want them to deal with my constant mood swings and unending dramas. I do not want them to feel worthless because they cannot do anything to make me feel better every time I self-pity.
I feel weak. I feel like nobody can ever handle me and stand with me through my longest and most painful crying nights with unexplained reasons.
And I hate my self for that, because as much as I want to be with certain people, I just can’t, because I am afraid to be an extra baggage to them. I don’t want to share my sadness to them, so I keep it all to my self.
Everyday, instead of telling these things, I choose to drown my self into an endless pit of sadness. Instead to seeking for company, I choose to embrace the reality that no one is ever willing to deal with my unstable situation. And instead to finding a safe haven from the presence of a person, I choose to let my self be consumed by the overwhelming thoughts that keep me awake until the next day.
I do not wonder that much anymore. I just accepted the fact that everyday, I am dying a slow and painful death. And do not try to save me. Because no one can. And , sadly, no one has even ever tried.