Life has never been really good to me. No matter in what perspective I try to look at it, I just cannot see how life has been treating me well.
Looking back to how and who I used to be, I realized a lot of things have happened and changed. I am constantly being changed, I know, but sometimes I admit I do not like what and who I see every time I look at the mirror. Perhaps, there are moments when I do not already know who I am looking at.
Nineteen years have passed, and as cliché as it may sound, it was indeed a roller-coaster ride. I experienced settling and being thrown down into the rock bottom where I learned to look up and depend on the only tinge of hope that things shall soon fall into their place. I have been into moments when I felt alone and confused, and honestly, I did not know for sure if I would be able to reach this far in life, because several times did I think about ending it right there.
But I made it! I am here, writing about how beautiful my life has become since I placed my complete dependence and hope in my Love, only because I am His love too!
I will never forget how it felt to secretly cry every night, helplessly trying to hold in my sobs and tears because of the fear of having anyone find out about my suppressed agony. During those times, I would stare at the person in the mirror and blame her for all the failures and disappointments that she has caused in my life. As I looked at her, I saw her scars – the invisible scars which could only be seen through her eyes full of tears and hurt. And I saw that she was alone, probably lonelier than I was tangibly feeling that time. I pitied her and told myself I would never pull her again even more than how she has already hit rock bottom – which caused her wounded knees.
Within those nineteen years, I have known people whose lives made an impact in mine. I have also seen lives being changed and oh how wonderful the feeling is to know that I am a part of that change. I learned to appreciate the beauty of life and compassion. I learned how to love people and guard their emotions, and I have seen the wonders of empathy and how putting it first makes an impact in one’s life.
Life has never been really good to me, because it is God who has always been the only good thing in my life. And I do not expect life to be good to me because it is supposed to be full of trials, sufferings and testing. But I want to be good to my life. I want to learn how to love it and take good care of it, honoring its Creator in every possible way.
“I want to impact more lives”, I say to myself. I want to bring change to wherever I will set my feet upon. I want to witness more wonders that shall bring me to my knees, worshiping as a response because of running out of words in awe of all the things that are created before me. I want to see more of creation’s beauty and see myself in tears because the One who set it all in place is also the One who sets everything in my life in place. I want to sing more of the overwhelming love that I have been submerged into my whole life. I want to sing until I cannot anymore. I want to worship for as long as I can.
Even if it takes nineteen years and more, I want to worship and praise every single moment, not because life is good to me, but because the One who created it is.