I never really admitted that I was hurting. I never really told myself that I am in pain. I have always been telling myself that I am strong, and I can get through anything. I used to hide behind the context that God is always with me so I do not have any reason to be weak. I always show the world about my strengths and the things I have gone through because of God’s grace, until I started asking myself, “When was the last time you honestly admitted that you are hurting? When was the last time you straightforwardly told yourself that you are in pain?”
I spiritually grew with the motivation to not go back to my hopeless wounded self, and so I tried to do everything to prevent myself from getting hurt, especially by people, to the extent that I have already built up such a wall that is almost impossible to tear down.
I built walls because I was afraid.
Having experienced all the rejections and betrayals in the past that left scars in my innermost self, I figured it would be better to carefully handpick few people I will allow to go through my walls. I became really careful until even those people who must have had good intentions were refrained from fully entering my life. I got too afraid that I started isolating myself from everyone because I thought it was better to have no one at all than take the risk of letting anyone into my life and end up being broken by them over and over again.
I was too afraid to give anyone the opportunity to break down the walls I have been building for the longest time.
It is embarrassing to fully admit that these walls are mostly made up of fears. Together with all the rejections and invalidations, the walls stood so high and strong that people can easily misinterpret it into hatred.
I have not hated anyone but my self.
I hated myself for not being strong enough when I badly needed her to stand for her convictions. I hated myself for not seeing her worth, and for letting other people break into her heart and life. I blamed myself for always being so weak and afraid to say “no”.
And I especially hate her for not having the courage to tell anyone about her quiet cries every night.
These are the reasons for these walls. I have always been afraid that people would be scared to care for and love me because of the weaknesses and unspoken hurts behind these walls. I am afraid to show them to people because of the fear of being invalidated and rejected.
And so I put on the façade of being strong and now I do not know how to be weak in front of people and not get judged.
Behind these walls is my fragile and weak self that waits for every morning to get strength and enough will to face each day.
Behind these walls is the truth that the only One who sees and knows all my pain is God, who endlessly loves and cares for me no matter how lowly I think of myself.
Behind these walls is a tinge of hope that day-by-day, as I continue to surrender myself into sanctification, I will learn how to fully get out of these walls and boldly face all the fears and insecurities that await.
I acknowledge that I am still carrying bits of hurt and pain from the past, but God says that this is the first step to complete healing.
For when I am weak, He is then strong in me.